Auntie Kimberly’s Diary

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURESOctober 1

Ah, the fall season! A new October and a chance to start over! Time to shed old leaves in preparation for stunning springtime transformation into calm, serene, poised, confident goddess. Steps to said transformation shall include:

  • Meditating every morning. (So as to maintain calm, serene, goddess-like status, as opposed to becoming easily flustered by other people’s fu- I mean fudgewittage).
  • Hydrating properly.
  • Buying locally sourced, organic foods. (Will eat ALL vegetables purchased and not let them rot in crisper until look like fifth grade science experiment.)
  • Not forming relationship with any of the following: Pumpkin Spice Lattes, Dark Chocolate Pumpkin Mochas, Pumpkin Cake Rolls, Pumpkin Date Nut Rolls, Pumpkin Bagels, Pumpkin Walnut Crunch Bagels, Pumpkin Cream Cheese, or Pumpkin Cupcakes.

Will be poised, mature, beatific, saint-like Auntie to 5-year-old Brady and will NOT:

  • Contribute to stuffed animal population control problem.
  • Buy LEGO minifigures with tiny removable hair helmets.
  • Purchase books with drawings of bear poop. (Drew Daywalt’s “The Day the Crayons Came Home” v. funny, but Dadat – B.’s grandpa, my Dad – suggests bear poop drawing is in poor taste and poss. grounds for having Auntie book-buying privileges revoked.)

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Pass the Tissues: Captain AmeriCute Says “Bon Voyage” to Baby Stuff

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURESMy mom and I sit in stunned silence for a moment, as the weight of Captain AmeriCute’s latest proclamation settles in like a heavy blanket of snow.

Thirty seconds before, the scene had been a normal sleepover at “Gra and Dadat’s” (my parents, Brady’s Grandparents). Whenever I come over to join the festivities on sleepover night, Brady gets to pick two bedtime stories – one for Gra to read, and one for Auntie Kimberly to read. Gra read Richard Scarry’s Goodnight Little Bear, a classic in which Father Bear can’t find Little Bear at bedtime. In an unexpected twist ending worthy of M. Night Shyamalan, it turns out that Little Bear has been sitting on Father Bear’s shoulders the whole time. For the Auntie Kimberly selection, I lobbied hard for The Monster at the End of This Book, but Brady instead wanted me to read, The Monsters on the Bus, another classic in which a hapless public transit passenger looks on in growing astonishment and aggravation as his bus is invaded by monsters, grouches, a marching band, and even aliens.

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURESNormally, the conclusion of these two stories means bedtime. But since Gra and Dadat’s house exists in a strange corner of the space-time continuum where natural and parental laws don’t always apply, Gra offered to do an extra reading that would have delayed bedtime by another few minutes. She held up “I Love You Through And Through,” a small book with thick pages for tiny hands to grab onto.

But instead of settling in for the reading of his bonus book, Brady slowly and clearly announced, “I don’t want to read it. That book is for babies.” Continue reading